Latest Entries »

Guess what? Read this shit!

Hey sup?

Remember this thing, I mean, come on.

I know you’ve missed the weekly banter of The Colby Minute, and to be honest I’ve missed writing this shit. So here we go for the thousandth time.

What up with guys having long hair? I mean, chill the fuck down, this aint a race. I don’t know if your trying to escape baldness or your ears are cold, but seriously cut that shit. Just buy a beanie if your ears are cold, you know what? Just buy one if your bald too, the only side effect of a beanie is looking homeless. The side effects of long hair are as followed:

Douche looking-ness

Being mistook for a woman

Getting raped for being mistook for a woman

General ass-hattery

And I hate you.

There you go, cut that shit.

So some birds are dying and some senator was shot, but what really shits my asshole is fucking girl scout cookies.

Now I love them cookies, but those little fucks think their the shit for selling them. AND they only sell them whenever they feel like it. Who do they think they are? Who are they to think that they’re the gods of tiny delicious cookies? I say we march on up to girl scout cookie central in butt-fuck Connecticut and demand them to sell them year round and in stores so i dont have to stand outside in the fucking cold or ass-hot weather to buy them. Thats just me though, i love those samoa’s.

So, with that, I bid you a fine day! Cut your hair and punch a girl scout.

-Colbs

Hi, Ryan Colburn here.

It’s been a while, you may say it’s been a……..”Colby Minute!”

Anyway, I was carousing the webertubes when something grabbed my eyes.

“What it that monster from that Jeepers Creepers movie?”

No, stop asking questions. Something metaphorically grabbed my eyes. It wasn’t boobs, violence, or an exploding puppy. It was the trailer to the Smurfs Movie.

ENTERING RANT

I watched the trailer, and you know what I thought of it? I went to the local orphanage and punched an orphan in the stomach. That’s how much I don’t want to see this atrocity of a “film.” First off, It shows the real New York City and real people, then out of fucking nowhere goddamn CGI’d smurfs come out. The screen goes black, and then a remix of the smurfs theme song. The fuck is wrong with you hollywood? Why are you taking shows from my child hood and ass raping them with your CGI dick? All hollywood is doing is taking advantage of stupid fucking parents and their inbred retarded children. Hollywood knows that children will bug the living piss out of their parents and that most parents don’t know how to take the back of their hands across their kids face. Here is how a smart dad would handle this situation.

Kid: Hey Dad…Can wee see Alvin and the Chipmunks 3-D?

Dad: (Slap!) No goddamn way, go tell your mother to make me a sandwich!

Boom, If all goes well, you’ll Pavlov the shit out of that kid and he’ll know not ask to see over hyped shit-fests.

Hollywood took alvin and the chipmunks and decided to make them hip gangsta fuck faces with baggy ass-clothing, that was probably a ploy to get the urban audience  to see it, classy advertising. Did you know Justin Long played Alvin? Neither did I because they have the highest fucking voices imaginable. Fucking Morgan Freeman could’ve been alvin and I probably wouldn’t have noticed. Somehow it got a sequel, and you know what they called it? THE MOTHER FUCKING SQUEEKUEL!!! How goddamn cleaver is that! They showed a scene with them playing football and alvin saying “BOOYAH!” Is it 1993? They also do “covers” of popular music, and by covers I mean they raise the pitch of the vocals…Sounds difficult right? I just figured out how to do it in 3 minutes on Adobe Audition. I’m making the next movie soundtrack.

Marmaduke was a fucking mess, maybe Owen Wilson can succeed in killing himself next time, Dragonball movie was a slap in the dick to any true fan. The Only good “Cartoon” Movie was Space Jam.

Fuck Hollywood and BP”

-Colburn

Life’s a Beach

Everyone goes here, usually once a year. Why? Because it is completely over-rated. First off, this post is going to go differently then usually so hold on a second and read these changes, I suppose.

1. This is not Colburn, instead I, Bryan Merlock (writer of the ChicagoMerlocker), am going to basically tear up an ideal and tradition of Marylanders.

2. That’s it…so here we go.

Do you know what’s better than uncomfortable sand rashes and sunburns from your face to feet, fucking anything. Why do Marylanders go through this every year. You go to Ocean City to go in the water for a good 1 hour before “tanning” for he rest of the time on the beach. Does the smell of sun screen and hours of digging out sand particles out of your ass worth it, not really. “But Bryan, I love the boardwalk.” Honestly this is what you find.

1. 35% Stores that sell hermit crabs.
2. 25% Scooby Doo and Sponge Bob sharing a joint on a shirt.
3. 25% Fries
4. 10% Kites (This is awesome, that is it)
5. 5% Splinters

When your not at the beach or boardwalk, you have a wide variety of doing nothing. You can always take a 2 hour shower trying to get all the sand out of your hair, or a cold one to relieve your burns. Then you can watch the Disney channel for 3 hours before going out to play overly priced mini-golf.

Then there are the people that tell me they like to drink at Ocean City. Ok, that’s cool. That time period is known as Senior week, after this period YOU ARE IN COLLEGE AND CAN DRINK ANYWHERE. If you go to the beach to drink you are missing the main point of it: Sunburns, Splinters, Boredom, and Sand being everywhere.

Also, Fuck Shit, Eat a Dick.

-B-MER

Generic Colby Title

It’s time for your weekly dose of Colburn!

So there are these people in my neighborhood who think having their dogs out a 12am is a good idea, and I fucking hate them! It would be fine if their dogs were quiet and only out for a little bit, but nooooo, they’re dumb fucks who are to lazy to let their damn dogs in. So these little shits will bark at anything that moves, run to the door, bark at the door, and go back to barking at invisible shit. Let your goddamn dog in! You’re pissing me the fuck off! Keep them in the whole night for Jesus’ sake. Another stupid thing the neighbors do is leave the fuckers out all day. Either they’re really paranoid that the dogs are going to piss on something, or they’re just ignorant as fuck.

On a completely unrelated note. If I don’t feel like going somewhere, I’m not “bitching out”. You need to stop taking things so personally. “Oh hey, Colburn. Do you want to play softball?” Fuck no I don’t want to play softball! It’s goddamn hot out, and I’m overweight, the fuck would I want to play softball for? “To hang out with your friends, Colburn” Really? Because I’ll never see you again if I don’t play softball. I’ll go every once and a while, but don’t expect to see me every week. Remember that time we stopped being friends after I didn’t go play goddamn softball? Oh wait! That never happened! Stop being a bitch.

The fucking spawn system in Call Of Duty pisses me off. If I just died somewhere, it’s not a good idea to spawn me right there.

What the shit is the deal with the Amish people? It’s goddamn 2010 and your asses think its 1534. It’s not. The hell you driving in a horse and buggy for? Cars go soo much faster and don’t shit in the road. You know whats cool? Driving around an ass-smelling horse on the road in Pennsylvania. You know what the Amish do for fun? Build barns. The amount of barns in Pennsylvania has tripled in the past 5 years! This epidemic needs to stop. Pretty soon Pennsylvania will just be a smelly ass barn. Fuck churning butter too, you can buy that shit at the store.

The rant of the week is brought to you by: STUPID SIGNS

-Colburn

As twelve or more of you may know, I work at the happiest, most joy-filled place in the world. Just kidding its Target. I’m not going to insult the company I work for or my fellow employees, but I am going to rant about our customers. I work in the Pizza Hut EXPRESS. What was that word? EXPRESS! That means that this isn’t a full fledged, full size pizza making, pasta having Pizza Hut. This is a place were you buy yourself a personal pan pizza if you’re hungry enough. Dumb ass people come through trying to get breakfast at 5pm, a 10 dollar full size pizza, pasta, and other . I swear to God, apparently since none of that stuff isn’t on the MENU BOARD RIGHT BEHIND ME you should ask me if we have them anyway. You know what else I hate about the customers? They bring their family of 6 through the line, buy all my shit, and fucking complain when I run out of goddamn fucking pizzas. I forgot I have a machine that instantly cooks the pizzas. Oh wait I don’t. It takes seven minutes to cook a pizza. Don’t bitch at me because you thought feeding your family at Target was a good idea.

You know what else is fucking retarded?

Pennies. It may be the most useless currency on earth. I don’t want pennies, no one wants pennies, they’re like pocket herpes. If every price on everything ended with a 5 or a 0 it would be fine.

Since me and my friends were talking about it today I guess I’ll do a little rant on my least favorite country.

France. They smell, they surrender, they think a brown tall tower is cool, they have  revolutions, and they love terrorists.

Apparently Bmer’s getting some ducks. I’m on board with it. I’m gonna use my house building skill to create the most lavish duck house in the history of duck houses. By that I mean, It’s probably gonna be a box. It seems you have to get like 20 ducks at a time. I think they’re going to poop everywhere and bite fingers…ducks just don’t seem like good pets.

My next point…If you’re writing a deep/existential blog, try to get your spelling and grammar correct. I would suggest having someone proof read it. Your credibility gets shot to shit if there are contradiction galore. Usually if there are mistakes in the first paragraph the whole post become some sort of farce.

In my opinion, blogs shouldn’t be deeper then your bathtub.

Oh, and you can pat the shit out of blogs views by refreshing the page.

“A soft heart is hard to keep. A hard head is much easier…”

-Colburn

You know what’s stupid? People that run with the bulls. Those assholes think they’re the shit because they have the “balls” to run with bulls…The truth is they’re some of the dumbest people on the planet. The fuck would you want to run with bulls for? The last time I checked, bulls have horns, sharp horns. Now if that’s not enough to deter you, they make you race them down the street. Oh that’s cool, try not to get gored AND trampled. Fucking idiots. The only good thing that comes from this is the fact that the retards get killed. Dead people can’t breed so they’ll have no retarded children.

You know what they should bring back? Gladiator fights. How baller would that be? Have the people chilling on death row fight a goddamn lion or a last man standing battle. That way we have no more crowded prisons, people who were going to die, die anyway, and maybe the winners can just spend the rest of they’re life in jail. Think of the revenue that would be generated through Colosseum tickets and concessions. This idea is a win win. Kill death row inmates and stimulate the economy.

You know what else is bullshit? Nick At Night programing. I’m tired of Fran “Goddamn” Drescher, George “Mexican” Lopez, and Steve “Shit Ass” Urkel. They should have Adult Swim type programing or soft-core porn.

Dead baby jokes are funny.

-Colburn

It’s Been A Colblenium!

Fucking vegetarians. It’s bad enough you don’t eat meat, but you don’t have to be all up in my face about it. A wise man once said “For any cow you don’t eat, I’ll eat two.” I’m going to do that. Now twice as many cows have to die because of you. Don’t get me started on those vegan fucks. Screw it. Fucking vegans, at least some vegetarians eat fish, but you douche’s won’t eat anything that casts a shadow. I’m going to make a list of super awesome things. Smoothies, explosions, MEAT, boobs, and beef jerky. That’s in no particular order. “But Colburn! Isn’t beef jerky meat?” Yes, but meat is a general term which includes all animals and certain species of trees. Beef jerky is the equivalent of crack, heroine, and crystal meth to me. My uncle may make the best beef jerky in the world. It’s like eating beef candy.

Anyway, how have we been doing?

My weekends are pretty much taken up by work now-a-days. Once upon a time I used to work four days a week, getting twenty plus hours. Now I only work Saturdays and Sundays, but they’re eight hour shifts. Come on now. Give me some week day shifts. There’s nothing I like better then after a long week of school is to spend my entire goddamn weekend at work. You know what would be better? Getting paid to do nothing. That’s my dream job. I hope that I win the lottery or grow a money tree.

You know what the most awesome way to get somewhere is? Slip and slide. I would take a slip and slide anywhere if there was one long enough. I mean, come on. Everyone loves slip and slides. Or maybe rocket shoes…speaking of shoes, where are those shoes from back to the future that Marty McFly wore that self laced. It’s goddamn 2010…I want those shoes. I bet Stephen Hawking has those shoes.

Fuck going green too. I throw away all my bottles, recycling is for suckers. Hopefully global warming starts soon, because I’m tired of all these cold winters.

I’m sure I offended someone, and if I offended you, stop reading my blog.

-Colburn!

Greetings! I will start this Colby-Blog off by telling you that this is totally original. I am the first person on the internet to have a blog……..Got ya!

It seems that people have run out of ways to express themselves these days, writing status’ on facebook just doesn’t cut it. So we find ourselves on wordpress telling people about our lives. I am here because I am a follower, screw leading. Everyone else has a blog so here goes mine. I’m your average college student, I get up everyday and wish I was still asleep. Mainly because I have to be up at 6am every morning for school. I’m taking an intense 600 hour coarse at the Broadcasting Institute of Maryland where I hope to graduate and work in radio. “WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO WORK IN RADIO COLBURN?” I’m glad you asked. It’s fun, hands down it’s the most fun you could have at work (unless you’re a blowjob tester). It may be a dying industry, but right now there are still jobs out there that need a Colburn. Also, if radio dies to automation and syndication I can go back to school and take the TV coarse for free.

Enough about me, what about you?

Just kidding it’s my goddamn blog. I’m all about Lost and Flash Forward. ABC really knows good shows to put on their network. Every episode makes you want more. It’s like when you’re eating goldfish and you get that one with all the flavor on it, now you keep eating them to another one like it. A bad episode of Lost is like a goldfish with normal amounts of flavor on it, it’s still really good. We’re not going to get started on flavor blasted goldfish.

That brings me to my next point….The hell is wrong with snack companies? I don’t want to eat midnight burger flavored doritos. If I wanted a goddamn cheese burger I can get one at McDonalds for a dollar. I don’t want jalapeno ranch pringles either, give me the original any day of the week. The moral of this section is: Stop making stupid fucking flavored foods (alliteration ftw!) no one wants to eat mango-armpit flavored popcorn. END TIRADE

Call of Duty is rotting my brain. I find myself looking at the sky, seeing a plane, and thinking “If I only had a stinger missile” or “Good thing I have cold-blooded on.” Also when I’m walking through the mall I think of how to angle my noob-tube to get it in shops on the second floor. I say it’s rotting my brain, my brother says I’m a terrorist.

I will end by saying a couple of things. Sushi boats come on boats, cats don’t pulsate, the Popsicle was invented in 1905, and CD see me.

COLBURN!